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The Trail-Part 1

*The following is an adventure story full of thrills, sudden plot twists, and daring rescues. I would advise caution in reading this, it is not for the faint of heart.*

Today, I have decided to share a story of a trip I took when I was involved in a scouting program in Las Vegas, Nevada. At the time I was a 15-year-old apathetic young adult with no idea that in nearly a decade I would be where I am now, greatness and dexterity flowing from my very being.

Pictured: Dexterity and Greatness

It might surprise some of my readers that I was once a boy scout, traversing America's wildernesses, sailing dangerous waterways, shooting high powered weapons, and tying knots.

Actually...mostly just tying nots

As a scout we often got opportunities to go on "high adventure camps." One of these camps we went on was to Death Valley, a land of beauty...and death.

A great amount of death

If you ask any 15 year-old how they would enjoy spending a week I can assure you that trudging around a deserted, barren wasteland while the sun slowly drains them of life would not make their short list. The morning of our trip we packed the 10 boys of the troop along with 4 adult leaders into two vehicles. It is important to note that the first vehicle was a high clearance Astro Van that sat 12, had great power, and was well-equipped for the terrain.

The second vehicle was mini-van that had the clearance of a skateboard and about the same powering mechanism. 

"Make it Ollie dad!"

We drove for an hour and a half before finally arriving at the turnoff for our destination. At this turnoff was a gas station which symbolized the last real civilization before the plunge into Death Valley. To call this gas station "bizarre" would be an understatement. In front of the gas station was an animatronic display of miners that put on a little show. The show consisted mainly of the miner in front swaying a pan back and forth while he appeared to urinate on it.

After our troop took in the amazing performance we piled once more into the two vans and set out at a brisk pace into the frontier. For those who don't know this area, it is home to some of the best hikes and natural wonders in the world. It is also very very dangerous and many vehicles end up getting stranded by going off road. One wrong move in the sweltering heat of this desert and a fun vacation turns into a nightmare rapidly.

"Hey dad, are we there yet?"

The first day we mostly hiked about on the natural rock formations, explored a cave, and even went down inside an inactive volcano. But that night was when the real adventure happened. To set up the story the road in Death Valley is a gigantic arc shape as shown on this map.

At the end of the evening we were at Furnace Creek and the plan was to camp out near the Death Valley Scenic Byway. As you can tell this would require making our way back around the arch which frankly to a group full of men with intelligence, and a general natural sense of direction...seemed dumb. 

"Roads are a bunch liberal malarky, Tom"

One of the scoutmasters seemed to recall being able to take a trail across 20 years earlier, however my confidence in his statement was thin due to the fact he had spent the entire trip saying, "Are we in Arizona right now?" We drove for another 30 minutes further down away from the arc, until he stopped us and expressed in a confident tone that this area appeard to be where he had crossed previously. 

"Seems a bit overgrown since the last time we came through"

No one really objected to literally driving vans across a desert which just shows we probably all deserved to die. So we set out on "the trail" travelling at a leisurely pace.

To Be Continued...

The Lonely Couch-A Bedtime Story

Once upon a time I used to get invited to parties (long before people realized I was a Latin scholar). This was probably due to the fact I had cool friends, though at the time I attributed it to the fact that my observational humor was a revelation to all who experienced it.

"Lampshades...pshhhh am I right??"

It was at one of these parties, while I was in the middle of bringing the audience to tears by pointing out a bean bag chair, that I got a call from a girl. First off I better give some backstory to this girl. Never on earth had I ever been friend-zoned harder in my life than by this girl. I was the definition of the back-up guy. I liked her, but usually left every encounter saying, "never again." However, time and time again would come when she would ask me to hang out and I'd be there in a flash. Needless to say, I was a bit desperate. So I received the call and could tell immediately she was slightly frustrated about something.

Pictured: Slightly Frustrated

Apparently she and her on-again, off-again boyfriend had gotten in some sort of argument and she wanted me to go driving with her while she raged out to death metal screamo or something.

"LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!!"

Naturally, I felt this probably wasn't the best way to let off steam and instead invited her to the movie we were all about to watch. After all, isn't that what an upstanding citizen would do, a citizen who makes great observational humor, a citizen who is also a Latin scholar...

"Conjugate Verbs, Conjugate Life"

Much to my surprise she immediately brightened up as if her plan all along was to get me to ask her this. She asked if she could bring her friend to which I replied with something cheesy like, "the more the merrier." Speaking of cheesy she said she would bring popcorn as well (Note: When I originally wrote this I mistook cheese for butter but the segue stuck). I gave her directions then I hung up the phone and walked back into the party with a cocky smile on my face. I loudly proclaimed, "got a girl coming." The party goers were happy about this, mostly because I was one of the only single people there and I was probably killing the vibe. People began asking me how I knew the girl and I told our amazing story (leaving out of course all the embarrassing back story of being her back up guy). I was feeling good to say the least, maybe my situation was looking up finally. Tonight could be a new leaf being turned.

GAHH!!

The room was setup so I could not fail everyone piled in on the floors and the couches leaving two spaces open right next to me on the couch. Literally the other couch in the room looked like this...

So I sat on the couch awaiting her cool and confident. There was a knock on the door and I jumped up and opened it putting on my most endearing smile, the definition of dorky. They both sauntered in I pointed them to the kitchen where they could place the industrial size popcorn they had purchased and they nervously shuffled out to the front room and hesitated aware of my trap. Her roommate immediately walked over to the couch engorged with people and began shoving and pushing her way in. I thought to myself, "weird...I guess that's cool, now I don't have to deal with her friend." All eyes were on the girl now as she sat deciding between the wide open couch with the half wit on it and the couch literally brimming over with people. Naturally, she chose the second option and walked over to the sardine couch. everyone stared at me to see my reaction. 

Whereas it took her roommate a slight bit of work to fit onto the couch she took even longer as I state again, there was absolutely no room on that couch. It was so awkward watching both of them shove and squeeze each other into the tiny crevice as I sat on the prairies of real estate my couch offered, that I even stood up and sat on the ground and said, "you guys can sit on this couch if you want" as if to offer the plentiful open space to the frightened refugees. They ignored me as they squirmed and pushed as everyone stared back and forth between me and them. I returned to my spot on the couch and tried to look interested in my phone which of course was as barren as the surrounding couch. Eventually, they were able to push their way in as I sat stone face. The move was turned on, fun was had, and I said, "never again."

The Ballad of Ringo's Spoon

*The following story is based loosely on real life events*

The stories of the past inspire, excite, and educate young listeners. Their moral frameworks and compelling truths give the younger generations a pinnacle to reach for in a chaotic world. Today's story is a family legend passed down from one generation to another. The story is about my father and how he obtained an artifact that defined his generation. The 60's version of the Ark of the Covenant.

"Don't look at it Marion!! Shut your eyes Marion!!"

The Beatles.... for those of you who don't know them think of your favorite singer....multiply that person by 4...and then imagine they were actually good. You should come up with the below picture as your answer.

Show your work!

Once upon a time this famous band visited the United States.

 It was during one of these visits that my dad was a teenager. Little did he know at the time that his path would run right into this crazy boy band sweeping the nation. In fact a few years later it would be the same man as a young hotel clerk that would give a wake up call to the band Led Zeppelin with the words, "hey, wake up you knuckleheads!"

"Breakfast ends at 9 bird brains!!"

Lets just say the man had no qualms about openly interacting with famous bands and in many cases insulting them. It was during this Beatles tour that my father and his sisters went to check out what all the ruckus was about this new band that was touring the country. The Beatles had just arrived at their hotel and the crowd was basically the same as it was in that video only outside the hotel. My dad and his sisters somehow ended up inside the hotel and were walking around the halls presumably looking for a phone to give them a harshly worded wake up call. While doing this they noticed a room surrounded by security guards and policeman.

Sort of like this but guarding something less important

In the middle of the officers was a dinner cart left outside the room with the dirty dishes of the ravenous individuals inside. On the plate sat a spoon basically just begging to be taken. So my father made a mad dash grabbed the spoon and he and his sisters took off down the hall with a few officers in hot pursuit. They made it outside to their old station wagon, jumped in and took off with my dad hanging out the window yelling at the crowd and the pursuing officers the phrase "I got Ringo's spoon!!!" Which is bizzare, because that spoon could literally be any of the Beatle's and he chose Ringo. Despite this the mob began piling around the car trying to pull him and his precious spoon out as they drove away. 

Now 50 years later the spoon sits in a bank vault somewhere accruing value. The Thomas family nest egg. I imagine generations will pass by and my great-great-great grandson will come across the artifact down the road and loudly (and proudly) proclaim, "Is there a reason we have this old hotel spoon?"