The Hutzler 571B (Our Technological Legacy)

Well it's been a while since I've written in my blog, which means my social life has been off the charts lately and I haven't had time to write. 

Pictured Above: My Social Life

Today, I'll be diving back into the world of Amazon.com because I've finally found the pinnacle of all human technology this product is called the Hutzler 571B. Now I know immediately all types of fantasies are popping into your head about what this product could possibly be; A robot that can knit? A pair of light up cowboy boots? A toilet that plays "That's Amore" when you flush it? No, none of that, something even better if you can imagine it. This product is so great it has saved marriages, promoted healthy eating, increased work performance, and will some day create world peace. I'm talking about a little something called a banana slicer.

"The power of the sun....In the palm of your hand"

    What you are now beholding in your frosty gaze is the Hutzler 571 B Banana Slicer. Yes, in years to come you will realize this as the first time seeing an invention that will one day rival penicillin, bifocal glasses, the light bulb, and Donald Trump's Hair piece as the most influential technology of our time. 

"I might have invented the first practical phone....but it wasn't no banana slicer"-Alexander Graham Bell

Actual Reviews on The Hutzler 571B:

For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit.

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your stupid bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier.

I purchased this banana slicer with innocent intentions. I simply wanted an easier way to slice bananas for my kids in the morning. I was sick and tired of the horrific hours spent painstakIngly slicing bananas one coin at a time. When I saw this banana slicer on Amazon, it was like the heavens above opened and angels began to sing. I had to have it. I ordered it and set up a tent next to my mailbox so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands. A tool this powerful has to be guarded at all times. 3 to 5 days later, it arrived. The anticipation was almost too much to handle as I ripped open the nondescript cardboard box. There it was, the tool that would change my life for the better. I nervously peeled the first banana of the morning, not knowing whether to be scared or exhilarated. I placed the banana cutter over the banana and started pressing down, gently at first, then harder and harder as my confidence improved in leaps and bounds. Just like that, I was through the banana. I let out a little gasp. It had felt so good! I quickly peeled another banana and sliced right through it. Then I sliced another . . . Then another. Soon all the bananas in the house were sliced, but I wasn't ready to stop. I had to slice more bananas. I went to the store, intent on buying a couple bananas to fuel my new addiction. When I saw all those bananas, I couldn't control myself. I started opening them and slIcing them right there in the store. Needless to say, I was asked to leave by a clerk who gave me a knowing look and muttered "banana slicer got another one" as he ushered me out the door. I rushed to the fruit stand and bought every banana they had. When my fiancé got home work, he found me frantically searching through a large pile of banana peels in hope is missed a banana. I gave this banana slicer 5 stars because it works as advertised. Actually, it works too well. I'm writing this review from the library in Ithica State Prison because I was caught in a neighbors house slicing bananas. Use it at your own risk.

There you have it, now go out and buy one before they are all out of stock. That's where I'm headed right now have a good rest of the day loyal followers. Roll Tide