3 "Amazin" (Amazon) Products

Here I am once again writing in my blog, which is almost to the point of actually being respectable and has increased it's international viewership tremendously.

"This American uses far too many run-on sentences."

Amazon is an incredible website that sells many great products to places all over the world. With it's massive stock of products a customer is bound to run into some very strange products at some point during their journey through the Amazon highway. To save you the trip I've compiled my 3 favorite Amazon products here in a convenient list.

3. How to Avoid Huge Ships, 2nd Edition, by Captain John W. Trimmer

Captain Trimmer dazzles his audience again with a well written, fast paced book on the dangers of huge ships and how to avoid them on the high seas an absolute necessity for any ship cabin. 

Actual Customer Review:

 "When one purchases a book, one reasonably expects that the contents of its cover will have something to do with the contents of the pages within. In the case of How to Avoid Huge Ships by John Trimmer, this was not the case.

Let me explain. I had just set out on my much anticipated voyage across the Atlantic on my handmade catamaran, and had bought just the exact book in anticipation of encountering huge ships and having to take measures to avoid them. However, in my haste I had not yet opened it, a mistake that lead to my ruin.

I was doing quite well when, as I had anticipated, a massive cargo ship came bearing down on me. Satisfied that my purchase had been fortuitous and wise, I withdrew the tome so that I could consult its pages. But when I did, all I could find was nonsense about people named Cloud and Sephiroth, Naruto and Sasuke, Rainbow Dash and Applejack, America and England (?!), Kirk and Spock... who are these people? I have never in all my years of maritime history heard of any of these people, and so if they are indeed proficient in avoiding ships, they do so as lucky amateurs, not seasoned professionals.

Needless to say, I was unable to avoid the ship and now pen this review from the shade of the sole tree on my desert island in the hopes that I will be the only victim of John Trimmer's deception!"

Similar books on Amazon: 

2. Canned Unicorn Meat

 Product Description: When unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite.

Actual Customer Review: 

"Of course this isn't as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days?

I'm a busy professional so I don't have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh 'corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights."

1. Uranium Ore

Still looking for that uranium to power your nuke? Look no further because here is the answer.

Actual Customer Review:
 "I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn't sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.

Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people's privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker."

Just make sure you use it within 4.47 billion years or else it will be half gone. 

Let me know if you find any products on Amazon worthy of making it on my blog I'm always on the lookout. Roll Tide