My Mother (A Holiday Non-Traditionalist)

 I'm going emphasize that these blog posts in no way represent my personal life. Apparently no women seemed to have read the fine print in my last post...It's one of the flaws of their gender, that and their insistence on having men shave.

She's not worth it bro...

 They took this line in Finding Eve.  "Every date I've been on has been absolutely horrible." As me actually saying that. And I realized after many angry texts and being chided by my own mother that I should probably explain the way my blog works. At the beginning of each post I try to lower myself to the masses.
 Its a way of making my audience think that they are better than me, so they don't think I'm preaching to them and fill up my comment box on how wrong I am. Saying every date I've been on was horrible was a joke so no one would take the advice I was giving as actual fact and use it.

"My Love for you is like explosive diarrhea...I can't hold it in" 

So you should never take anything I say in my blog literally because I would never post my personal opinions on a blog post. Obviously, every date I've been on hasn't been horrible. They've been mediocre at best but not horrible.

Pictured Above: A Mediocre Date.

Now on to today's topic. It's about my mother, who I've portrayed before in my blog as being a very "conscientious"  person. In all assets of her life it has always seemed that a "healthier","easier", or just plain "cheaper" substitute is used rather than the real product. Whenever my mom gives me food I still to this day have to ask "What's in this?" Because my mother is notorious for sneaking strange things such as agave nectar, carob chips, or goat milk into everything she makes. She also did this in dessert, which to this day still mystifies me.

"This mashed cauliflower tastes just like mashed potatoes!"

All of my readers who are nodding in agreement know exactly what I mean. I guess it was me being lucky to have a mother who could literally cook anything and make it taste pretty good. I never realized it when I was younger but it was a blessing, although I only saw having a mother that could cook as a curse at the time. 

"Hey mom can we stop at Burger King!?"
"I have hamburger meat at home..."

I was reminded of my mom's conscientious rigor when she was going over plans for the upcoming holiday of Thanksgiving. She was telling me everything she was planning on doing for Thanksgiving, and was listing off all the supplies she had bought when the word, "turkey breasts" rattled across my ear drum. I stopped her and said "turkey breasts?" Not because I don't know what a turkey breast is, but because there is a major difference between a turkey breast and a Thanksgiving turkey.

Turkey Breast when compared to Thanksgiving Turkey

Yes she had planned on serving turkey breast on Thanksgiving instead of actual Turkey, which is about like saying instead of presents at Christmas time we would all be receiving a box of food storage. She eventually caved to buying an actual turkey after I chided her on it. And this wasn't the first time I've had to do this believe it or not. It's a good rule-of-thumb when dealing with my mother around the holidays to make sure that all her plans are concurrent with the family tradition. Another example would be last year when she decided that instead of a full-size tree she and my sister (who somehow approved of this plan) would just put a mini-tree up instead because it was "easier" to deal with. 

"If you get really close and squint it's almost like the real thing."-My Mother's logic

The moral of all this is make sure you keep holiday traditions, because your parents will try to destroy them as they age. Who knows what would happen if I wasn't around to keep the family on the right path. Roll Tide.