The Breakup Survival Guide

*The following is meant as being purely satirical, any likeness to people living, dead, or stuck in a Netflix binge watching continuum is merely coincidental*

For some reason people enjoy sharing personal information with me when we meet. Apparently, I have a face that can be trusted. Which is unfortunate, the main reason being I've been trying to cultivate a look of brash anger and unpredictability for years and this proves it's having no effect.

Fear me

Nevertheless, I've always been told things I really don't want to hear. Lately most of my deep conversations with people have been about their breakups. They look to me for advice submitting their poor huddled masses to their all knowing acquaintance, yearning to free themselves of their troubles. So today I thought I'd kill 100 birds with one stone and post my hallowed advice here...for the entire world to read.

"Lol I bet this dork's mom doesn't even read this!"

Please keep in mind that I'm not writing this from a perspective of a deeply hurt individual going through a breakup and my current relationship status (widowed with four Icelandic children who currently live in Irkutsk) has only a "slight" bearing on this. But, I'm doing this so that I can help you deal with the deep emotional pain that comes with separation from someone you probably obsessed over far too much.
(Please note: When I refer to "You" I'm speaking directly to my target audience of 95 and older independent single adults who know how to operate and use a computer).

Pictured: My motivation

With that being said here is my breakup survival guide to end all breakup survival guides.

1. What to do now
You've just lost the love of your life, your soul mate, the one, over some arbitrary reason. Perhaps you had a fight, maybe you just didn't emotionally connect anymore, or maybe she discovered you threw out that glass bottle she was planning on making into a crafty spoon.

"You've ruined my Pinterest idea for the last time, prepare to be eliminated"

You will notice almost immediately that without a girlfriend/boyfriend you now have a TON of time on your hands. In fact you'll have so much time on your hands you'll probably wonder what you ever did with your time before your ex was in your life.  You'll now have time to do all that awesome stuff you were going to do but never had time for like learning to knit, taking that improv class, and associating with those strange civil war reenactment men who your significant other would never let you talk to.

Note: I do not endorse associating with these people

2. Stay Away From Social Media

Social Media has allowed people the opportunity to frame their lives in a way that seems like they are literally the happiest people on earth. Take this example...

#imactuallydeadinside

Your ex will use this stage to make you feel like you have done nothing in your life (you probably haven't, but that's besides the point). They could also do it to vaguely shame you through code to your mutual friends by posting rubbish such as this...

The irony being most people at their worst are serial killers...

More then likely they'll just post pictures of all the awesome activities they are participating in. Your neurotic breakup brain will put two and two together and you'll come up with. "When I'm out of people's lives they become totally awesome." And then depression horse will flatulate on you and you will become sad. Here is a visual representation...

Speaking of horses...actually they have nothing to do with the next guideline so just imagine an awesome horse segue that demonstrates that....
3. They'll Probably Move on Very Quickly
Want to hear a statistic that will blow your mind? According to a study done by onepoll.com half of the women in relationships have a plan B guy if the relationship fails. You know that dude she's texting all the time or who likes all her stuff on Facebook. That dude you think is harmless.

"I'm just glad she has a good guy friend to spend time with"

There wasn't research done on the men's side but that's because 100% of men have/are pursuing an entire alphabet of plans while they are in a relationship with you. Want to know a big secret about guys? They are constantly looking for a better option and in some cases a worse option, simply because they need constant challenges and their ego coddled. Please keep this in mind women B-Z as well who are backup plans.

"Yo man shut up you're ruining my game here!!"

My point in saying this is that your significant other will probably move on very quickly and lets be honest if you are reading this it's because you are the one not moving on as quickly (Note: Or you are lost on the web and have found my blog...welcome). And guess what....that's ok, because being single is awesome. When you are single you have endless possibilities ahead of you and the potential to find someone who laughs at your jokes, has similiar personality traits, and shows actual interest in mid 19th century boat art like you do.

The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

4. Time Heals All
It may seem incredibly cliche and unrealistic to believe this in your current state but time really is the best medicine. And although this advice does nothing to help you out you can use the time alone to meet someone who you really should pay more attention to...yourself.

And you might just find out that they are a pretty cool person (and incredibly hilarious/sexy). Just think back to all that time you spent with your significant other wishing you were free....well now you've got it so enjoy it. Good luck my followers and see your separation as an unexpected blessing of freedom.

"Who knew a breakup could feel strangely patriotic"