Boffing (Medieval Fighting with Foam Weapons)

As I was driving down the street the other day, near the park here in Vernal, presumably on my way to do something so legendary that writing it into words would be nearly impossible and cause the entire Internet to collapse in on itself....actually I was probably on my way to do laundry or something.

"Just remember dear, ain't no heaven for thugs like us."

As I was driving and crankin' tunes I looked out the window and saw a bunch of middle aged men dressed like this...

 

Nerd day at Wrigley Field

This can only mean one of  two things, the World of Warcraft server is down or boffing is back. After doing an ocular pat down of the weapons they were holding, the only answer was the prior.

Just when you thought it was safe to go to the park....

Yes, back again after about an 8 year hiatus the boffees have returned. Like the sand people in Star Wars who frighten easy but come back in greater numbers.

"These aren't the friends you're looking for....move along"

In the brief few moments as I was driving by realizing the potential harm to humanity being done by the revival of "these people" my mind was taken back to a time when  I was around 9 or 10 at a friends house. We had found his brother's boffing equipment and being the bright young children we were, took to the tramp swinging battle axes at each other. It was all fun and games until a well placed battle ax swing to the head left me in a pool of blood on the ground.

The shirt was white when I started

I vowed that day after several rolls of toilet paper and my friends bathroom covered in blood never to boff again. So stay away from the parks and avoid these people at all costs because they can feel your happiness and want to take it. 

What to do if you find yourself in close proximity with a boffee (person who boffs).

Boffees are among nature’s most majestic creatures, and seeing one in the wild is an unforgettable experience. Get too close, however, and your encounter with a boffee can be more terrifying than awe-inspiring. Fortunately, despite "humans" continued encroachment into “boffee country," attacks on people are rare, and fatalities are even rarer. Still, boffees are untamed, unsocial wild animals, and any meeting between boffees and humans can potentially turn deadly. Do you know what to do if you find yourself face to face with a boffees? Read on, and hike safely.

1. Avoid close encounters. If you can prevent an encounter with a boffee, the rest of the steps are unnecessary. Boffees are reclusive creatures, and they generally prefer to steer clear of humans. You can help them to do so by announcing your presence when you’re exploring their home environment: talk loudly, sing, or carry "boffee bells" so boffees have time to escape you. Read up on boffee behaviour to decide which of the "noise" methods you are comfortable with as there are different views by professionals on the effectiveness of making noise. Be sure to heed local boffee advisories and  and try to walk in open areas so that a boffee can see you (or you can see it) from a distance. Leave dogs at home or keep them leashed. If you see boffee tracks, make a detour or leave the area.

2.Keep your distance. If you see a boffee from a long distance (greater than 300 feet), leave the area. If you need to continue on, make a wide detour around the boffee. If the boffee has not seen you, do not disturb it: retreat calmly and quietly, and then make ample noise when you are well away to prevent future chance encounters. If the boffee sees you, begin speaking in a low, calm voice (it doesn’t matter what you say) and retreat slowly, keeping an eye on the boffee but avoiding direct eye contact. Your goal is to communicate to the boffee that you are human (i.e. that you can defend yourself and are not frightened) while also letting it know that you are non-threatening, and that you are leaving its territory.

Arm yourself with these tips when leaving your house now and with any luck this is just a fad and will die out. Have a good weekend loyal fans and carpe diem.