So You Want to Win a Cook-Off Pt. 1

 Few events that transpire in life will ever amount to the feeling of exhilaration that comes from winning an activity against humans of lower wit and skill. Sadly, for most of us genetics and a diet of fried cheese curds has left our bodies with an exterior that bears a striking resemblance to the sorting hat from Harry Potter.

"Hmmm...better be...HUFFLEPUFF!!

Luckily for us the universe has provided a competition for those who lack coordination and athleticism. This event combines the mental prowess of chess, the precision of target shooting, and the trash talk of a Sunday afternoon dinner at Grandma's house.

"You'd burn a salad you sissy!"

 It's a cook-off if you didn't guess already. The truest test of a chef aspiring to be known by those who have not yet bowed to him/her in other aspects of life. Today, you are especially lucky, because I'm going to guide you step by step to the end goal of raising your arms in victory over your closest friends and family.

"Take it easy son, it's just organized warming of edibles."

Just so all my readers know I know my way around a kitchen like an accountant knows his way around a calculator. I have never lost a cooking competition in my life and I would hold all my trophies in great esteem much like a big game hunter. But, it is generally frowned upon to display the stuffed severed heads of humans over a robust fire in a living room. So you are just going to have to take my word and this incredibly detailed guide as proof of me being expert.
1. Decide Your Dish
Most cook-offs require a certain type of ingredient or stock food that will be a guideline for the entries into the event such as a soup, a dessert, a plate that involves anchovies, or a dish that describes agrarian evolution in America.

Nailed it

It is important to be as original as possible when deciding what you will make within the confines of the rules. Obviously, this does not mean making your cake out of some progressive "healthy" flour made out of evaporated green bean stems. But rather it means making a pie filling out of steak or substituting the beans in chili with potatoes.

"Potatoes are just giant beans after all"-Abe Lincoln

Many cooking contests are won just by picking a dish that stands out to the judges.

2. Purchasing Raw Material
The next step involves walking into a store and buying staples of cooking. If you are a man you have likely never done this. Simply walk up to an elderly woman who looks like Marie Callender...

and loudly proclaim..."I'm a man." She will put a frail hand on your shopping cart and lead you around like a child receiving his first pony ride while putting all sorts of wonderful treats in your shopping cart. After she has done this kindly thank her and place her back in any cart receptacle.
3. Naming Your Masterpiece

Possibly the most important step in my whole process, a good name really sets up the whole dish. The most powerful taste bud is the mind and it is wise to caress the judge's brain's with your wit.
Luckily for those of you who lack this I will give you a few names to test out.
Potato Chili
1."Out to Spud"
2."Air Spud"
3."Spud Muffin"
4."The Common-tater"
Steak Pie
1. "Steaks are high"
2. "Don't make a mis-steak"
3. "The Meat-eor"

To be continued......or will it?