Looking for Eve (Remastered)

*The following guide is meant purely for satirical purposes, the views expressed within are meant for entertainment purposes and no one reading this should use this as a point of reference*

Today is a special day where I give all my followers advice on "dating" which has never happened before because...
A. Every date I've been on has been absolutely horrible.
B. My dating life is non-existent.
Despite these minor setbacks it's always interesting to me how much everyone seems to know about the subject, yet disagrees on the most fundamental parts. So rest assured everything you are getting here is going to be spot-on accurate and realize I'm just as qualified as every other person on this planet that gives advice. Without further distraction I present the dating guide to end all dating guides.....

Part 1 "Scouting the Field"
Before you can date women, you've got to find them. Girls do not fall out of midair despite what every man thinks. But rest assured I am not asking my readers to travel to the ends of the earth in search of women there are plenty roaming the lush green hills of your habitat. The easiest way to locate women is to start with the big picture, locating general areas of a woman's habitat, then gradually narrowing it down to a certain area, then a certain piece of land, then specific sites. An example of a good site would be a library, park, or college campus. Careful scouting can be the difference between a nickle and a dime. 

Yo Girl!

 Just as a surfer knows his waves and a farmer his cows the hunter should know his grounds. Make sure to properly stake out an area to learn its abundances and deficiencies when it comes to the species known as "girl."

Part 2 "Spotting the Target"

The second step in the dating process is attaining a target of suitable features. When scoping out possible targets make sure to do an ocular pat down of the specimen on physical features you would like your partner to have. It is best to approach this step with a list in hand already which you should carry with you at all times. There is nothing wrong with having the specimen perform physical feats of strength to determine survival ability. Much attention and detail should be put into this list.

"Hmm...Better put down "Birthin' Hips" that's the launchpad of all life."

Example: 

          The List

1. Ability to pull a plow.

2. Food Capacity

3. Low center of gravity

4. Good Shine

5. Proper Teeth Alignment

6. Age

7. Height

8. Breed

9. Stall Walk or Weave

10. Visual Scarring (Shows ability to survive attack)

*Young Equestrians will recognize this list*

Part 4 "Engaging the Target"
This step can be hard for the casual layman. However, it is important to engage the target directly. Drawing attention to your impressive feats in a loud and obnoxious manner by attempting to recreate them or bragging to a friend is usually the preferred way of doing this. Also, try your best to create secondary contact, this can be accomplished in a number of ways if she takes a drink from a cup immediately grab the cup and while staring her in the face drink from it. If the target still seems indifferent to your advances a pick-up line should be used as a last alternative. You can do this by shouting things such as...
"I bet those glasses help you see better!"
"Girl, you wearing the heck out of that shirt!"
"Tryin?"
"Jo momma is so fat!"
"The bathrooms in this place are ridiculous!"
"Name's Michael, I have a bleached ferret!"
"Yes....you'll do."
The point being you want to flatter/woo the target into an open state, so this is the best time to use pick-up lines preferably shouted at a distance.

"Your eyes are like limpid pools of primordial ooze, and I am the protozoa that wish to swim in their depths!"

Part 5 "Setting up a Date"
So you just whipped out an incredible line and now sit dumbly trying to back up all that confidence.It is time to participate in a little jovial repartee filled with with snide remarks and witty chit chat. It is key to be well-read on subjects ranging from politics to the effects of agrarian economics on early America.  During this small chat it is good to look for commonalities or shared interests between the two of you such as skiing, reading, or recreational gold panning with an emphasis on mercury usage.

Prospect-ahs need love too yo!

If she passes the commonality test it's time to set up a date or "rendezvous" to the ever casual 19th century Englishman.

"Ladies <3 the Homegrown!"-John McClure

Whatever you call it just make sure to bring it up organically classic ways to do this would include....

"So anyways I stopped taking the medication last week and nothing strange has happened yet....would you like to go on a date sometime?"

"What do you think I did I got the belt off my neck and got the heck out of there! Do you wanna come next time?"

"It was the last spoonful, the crowd was cheering like crazy, and than I ate it.... 14 pounds of liquid cheese in an hour! It was pretty incredible you should come watch next time.... we could even make a date out of it."

These are just examples but believe me from prior experience have worked like a charm. That's it for now We'll continue next time with parts 4-7 "The Date" through "The Proposal." Also look for my Utah Version which consists of parts 4-5 "The Date" through "Eternity." Have a great day.