First Dates (A Success Guide)

 First Dates (A Success Guide)

*Don't take this seriously*

I'm writing this post while the rest of my family watches an English drama within earshot. So if you notice a more impressive vocabulary and greater emotion in my writing that is why, besides these perks it has allowed me a perfect segue into today's topic....

"I would love to squire thee about for an evening."

Finals are over, and my readers have been patiently waiting for my next piece of dating advice. The last time I tapped my keyboard, doling out some of the most advanced and researched guidance to be found on the internet, I led you with greatest care to the point of the first date.

But then again you know what they say.

 The more observant readers of my writings have realized that dating does not end with a commitment for a first date. In fact, that is just the beginning of the process. The next key step in the process is the first date itself. Today, that is what we will be looking at. Before I dig into the meat and potatoes of this post, I want to stress that internet dating advice is horrible, you would be better off reading a book about avoiding bears then using some of garbage given out on the internet. 

*If the bear approaches play dead.* "I wonder if that advice would work on Kathy?"

Nevertheless you are getting spot on advice from a reputable source despite my lack of experience. We left off in my last post with you having just asked your target out for a "radiant summit" (impressive eh?). The road  ahead of you is destined to be full of awkward small talk and passive-aggressive belittlement.

"You look like an earthworm."

Nevertheless there are greener pastures ahead if you heed my advice. Once again I present the dating guide to end all dating guides.

1.Planning
The first date has scared many young men. Executed at its finest it's a fun night of getting to know someone, at its worst it involves you retreating to the other side of town to take up the life of a nomad hippie that works in those organic food stores, out of sheer embarrassment.

Not him.... the one behind him

Therefore in order to succeed on a first date careful and precise planning should be used to ensure the ever coveted "second date." The main point of the planning process is figuring out the activity to undertake during the evening. It is best to pick activities that will show off your "skillz" or "swag" as the youth today call it. In any sense of the word just make sure you don't end up planning an activity that will make you look like a serial killer. A good rule-of-thumb would be, if you've seen it on a 1980's Game Show it probably shouldn't be done on a first date.

Ahh the 80's 

If you are looking for some wholesome activties to partake in on a first date here are a few....
1. Go to a mutual friend's house see who can break the most objects in the house without the mutual friend knowing.
2. Pay one your creepy friends to kidnap your date, appear out of a hiding place and save her.
3. Bring scissors, have her cut your hair into a mullet while you see how fast you can drive on the freeway.
4. Go to a restaurant and talk in Pig Latin loud and obnoxiously, every once in a while clap and yell out the words MORE SPAM!!!
2.The Pick up

As the name implies this should be treated with the care and dexterity of a hostage situation. Like a drive-thru window, make your preferences clear and concise about the pick-up from the initial conversation involving the target. Also like a drive-thru window expect all your preferences to be completely forgotten.

"Thanks but I ordered triple sized crinkly fries.

You'll undoubtedly be asked to sit and wait in an enclosure of some type called a "living room" in most dwellings, while the target is "getting ready" which actually means she is in some interior annex of the house laughing and giggling with her roommates at you.

"Where did he get those clothes Subway Jared?!"

Eventually she'll drag herself out smiling, which before reading this you mistook for genuine excitement, but now you know she was just laughing with all her friends at you. Some people consider this a good time to say something such as "You look very pretty." or "Girl, you be wearin the heck outta that shirt." These are both appropriate and should be accompanied by a "gentlemanly bow."

"Nah girl I ain't married sup"

3. Conversation (Arguing)
Literally the entire date will be judged on how well the conversation flows back and forth. Many people believe this to be mutual interests and playful banter. In reality it's all about being able to argue effectively with the target.

True Love

Truly the best way to ensure a "second date" is putting the target beneath you by having superior political and social view points. Whats that you say? You don't know how to argue? It's no problem whenever you are arguing with someone just compare any viewpoint they have with Adolf Hitler. Saying such things as...
"Hmm...That sounds like something Hitler would say."
"That's exactly what Hitler was trying to do."
"Oh you like to paint? So did Adolf Hitler."
4. The Drop-Off
By far the most awkward part of the date is the drop-off. The only advice I have for you here is no matter what you do it will be seen as wrong in the eyes of the target. So the best way to handle a drop off is to avoid it. A couple ways to do this...
1. Loudly shout, "My brakes aren't working you'll have to bail out here!"
2. Start the walk to the door, pull a Jimmy Stewart, have your friends drive by and exclaim your dad has had a stroke and you must come immediately.
3. Act as if you have just seen a rare animal and run after it.
4. Have your friends put up a bat signal from across town and say "The Commissioner needs me!" Quickly jump in your car and speed off.


So there you have it if you followed my advice you should have a second date coming your way very soon and before you know it a long lasting healthy relationship.You're welcome and as always ROLL TIDE!!