The Lonely Couch-A Bedtime Story

Once upon a time I used to get invited to parties (long before people realized I was a Latin scholar). This was probably due to the fact I had cool friends, though at the time I attributed it to the fact that my observational humor was a revelation to all who experienced it.

"Lampshades...pshhhh am I right??"

It was at one of these parties, while I was in the middle of bringing the audience to tears by pointing out a bean bag chair, that I got a call from a girl. First off I better give some backstory to this girl. Never on earth had I ever been friend-zoned harder in my life than by this girl. I was the definition of the back-up guy. I liked her, but usually left every encounter saying, "never again." However, time and time again would come when she would ask me to hang out and I'd be there in a flash. Needless to say, I was a bit desperate. So I received the call and could tell immediately she was slightly frustrated about something.

Pictured: Slightly Frustrated

Apparently she and her on-again, off-again boyfriend had gotten in some sort of argument and she wanted me to go driving with her while she raged out to death metal screamo or something.

"LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!!"

Naturally, I felt this probably wasn't the best way to let off steam and instead invited her to the movie we were all about to watch. After all, isn't that what an upstanding citizen would do, a citizen who makes great observational humor, a citizen who is also a Latin scholar...

"Conjugate Verbs, Conjugate Life"

Much to my surprise she immediately brightened up as if her plan all along was to get me to ask her this. She asked if she could bring her friend to which I replied with something cheesy like, "the more the merrier." Speaking of cheesy she said she would bring popcorn as well (Note: When I originally wrote this I mistook cheese for butter but the segue stuck). I gave her directions then I hung up the phone and walked back into the party with a cocky smile on my face. I loudly proclaimed, "got a girl coming." The party goers were happy about this, mostly because I was one of the only single people there and I was probably killing the vibe. People began asking me how I knew the girl and I told our amazing story (leaving out of course all the embarrassing back story of being her back up guy). I was feeling good to say the least, maybe my situation was looking up finally. Tonight could be a new leaf being turned.

GAHH!!

The room was setup so I could not fail everyone piled in on the floors and the couches leaving two spaces open right next to me on the couch. Literally the other couch in the room looked like this...

So I sat on the couch awaiting her cool and confident. There was a knock on the door and I jumped up and opened it putting on my most endearing smile, the definition of dorky. They both sauntered in I pointed them to the kitchen where they could place the industrial size popcorn they had purchased and they nervously shuffled out to the front room and hesitated aware of my trap. Her roommate immediately walked over to the couch engorged with people and began shoving and pushing her way in. I thought to myself, "weird...I guess that's cool, now I don't have to deal with her friend." All eyes were on the girl now as she sat deciding between the wide open couch with the half wit on it and the couch literally brimming over with people. Naturally, she chose the second option and walked over to the sardine couch. everyone stared at me to see my reaction. 

Whereas it took her roommate a slight bit of work to fit onto the couch she took even longer as I state again, there was absolutely no room on that couch. It was so awkward watching both of them shove and squeeze each other into the tiny crevice as I sat on the prairies of real estate my couch offered, that I even stood up and sat on the ground and said, "you guys can sit on this couch if you want" as if to offer the plentiful open space to the frightened refugees. They ignored me as they squirmed and pushed as everyone stared back and forth between me and them. I returned to my spot on the couch and tried to look interested in my phone which of course was as barren as the surrounding couch. Eventually, they were able to push their way in as I sat stone face. The move was turned on, fun was had, and I said, "never again."