The Stalker (Re-Mastered)

Normally I take a long hiatus from posting on my blog around finals week to allow for ample studying time, which is what I have been doing the last few weeks. Apparently this coupled with the name change from Ihopforpancakes to Thebookofatom destroyed my viewership but I'm resilient.

I'm not going to draw comparisons but...*wink wink nod nod*

The reason I'm writing a blog post on the eve of finals is because I have an entertaining story that happened to me over the weekend. First, I have to give the readers a back story.
A few months ago I met a girl from Georgia.

"That's a lovely accent....New Jersey??

She asked me to hang out and I always give people a chance because I have been reamed for being too shallow in the past. So I invited her to "friends of the elderly" partly because it was a low pressure situation and partly because I was on the committee and the number of college students coming at the time was abysmal.

Pictured Above: Low Pressure

From the very beginning of the "date" (if you can even call it that) I was not interested at all and I made it very clear by saying "I'm not looking for anything right now" about twelve times. I know what my audience is thinking, "oh he just doesn't like people from the south I bet"...and you would be correct.

I hate all of you 

That night she texted me and said she wanted to go again the next night and was wondering if I could give her a ride. Me being the upstanding good citizen I was decided to oblige, and I gave her a ride. When we arrived to Friends of the Elderly I went and sat next to a good friend of mine who was elderly (and conveniently had no more room next to him for her). She took this as a slight and in a fit of fury she sat down and rage glared at me as she sent five angry texts to me from 5 feet across the room..which I felt bad about...sort of...but this was not a date or anything I merely provided transportation to her.

Ladies <3 da "Swag"

On the ride home she kept telling me, "You are such a jerk," and "Who does that?" I dropped her off at her apartment hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with her again....I would. As soon as I got home I looked at my phone and noticed I received a text from her. The text said, "sorry for calling you a jerk do you want to come over and hang out with me?" I didn't answer and she kept sending more and more texts until I imagine she tired herself out and fell asleep.

 Over the next month this continued with me rarely ever texting her back. She would text me anytime she was going on a blind date and tell me, "I wish I was going with you." Anytime she was lonely at night I would receive a text asking me to come hangout. She averaged about 5 texts to me a day which I ignored pretty impressively. I think over the course of the month I texted her back about twice with the word "k" in other words I laid it on pretty thick I did not want to talk to her. Finally, she stopped texting me and my life returned to being a mecca of awesome. 

My Reaction

 I even deleted her number hoping it would somehow give me closure and as I was doing that I went through and deleted a few other numbers in my phone, because I figured they were people I'd never talk to and I run a pretty tight ship on my phone. I was doing great it was a Friday, I was wearing flannel, and I was looking forward to a fun night of some Canasta with my married friends.

"Can't wait to get married"

 I was walking home from class when I saw I had a recieved a text. It was from a number that I didn't recognize and having completely wiped the SG (stalker girl) from my mind and because, "I'm a guy and any number that is not verified has infinite potential" I figured it was from another girl that I had deleted from my phone. The text read, "It's really cold outside, you should wear a coat ;)." Obviously, I was wearing a flannel, which is basically the same as wearing warm radiant beams of sunshine I needed no coat and whoever this was knew it. 

Flannel: Wear it. Live it.

Because I thought the mysterious texter was someone I might have been attracted to in the past I played along trying to figure out who was texting me. Keep in mind I had deleted many numbers out of my phone the majority of which were girls that I had been attracted to in the past. I had it narrowed down to one girl who I was 99% sure was the person I was interacting with who I hadn't heard from in a long time but whom I still liked. Because of this I playfully said "We should hang out sometime." To which she replied, "Yes please ;)." Those two words along with the emoticon made the smile run away from my face. It hit me like 12 tons of bricks and I started dry heaving at the sudden shock of what had just happened.

 This wasn't who I thought it was at all, it was the SG and I had just given her hope! I lay down on the couch staring at the ceiling in disbelief. Never had my emotions gone from elation to depression in such a short span of time. I cried a lot that day and ended up falling asleep on the floor in the front room with my phone vibrating endlessly in my face as the SG texted her plans to me about our future. From that day forward there was no end to the texts they would come with a steady stream throughout the day. My married friends Josh and Rachel took notice of my apparent plight as every time I got a text from her I would go into a fit of rage. It had been a few weeks and Josh and I were in math class when I got a text from her which said "Wanna Hangout?" that I had already gotten about 3 times that day. Josh saw and said you should text her back "Hangout or Makeout?" For some reason, because I was so tired of it all and because Josh egged me on I did. Which turned out to be a horrible decision because she flipped and her average texts per a day jumped again to the point I just stopped counting. This all was going on up to this weekend...

 Through her texts I had gathered that she was leaving soon back to Georgia for good. I was incredibly happy about this because nothing kills the ability of someone to stalk you like putting thousands of miles in between you. I had put myself on full alert for the weekend because I knew she would up her crazy in order to see me before she left. I was at Josh's house studying for my math final with him when I got a text which read, "Hey I'm leaving today I found out where you live and I'm here to say goodbye :)."

Pictured: My Emotions 

I almost let out a scream, Josh and Rachel looked at me strangely as I sat pounding my head on the table in sadness. I showed them the text and they looked at me mournfully as if I had just been sentenced to death. This woman had just upped the ante on how crazy I thought she was, she had somehow found my house which is incredible considering I pride myself on staying "off the grid" and because she did it without even knowing my last name. The only logical explanation I could come up with was that she had either worked some incredible (if not admirable) Facebook stalking techniques or she had hired a private eye to follow me around. 

In my mind it was this man

I quickly sent a text back saying I wasn't there, and asked how she had found out where I lived. She sidestepped my second question and simply said she was leaving soon and asked where I was. I didn't answer, I couldn't come up with a good excuse that wouldn't end up with me in the morgue. A few minutes passed and she texted back again saying she was leaving in 5 minutes if I didn't come down. I knew this was just a ploy to make me feel safe to come home and she'd be waiting for me.

"He's stupid enough to fall for it."

Thinking quickly on my feet I told her I was in Bear Lake, Utah and wouldn't be back until 9 that night. A spectacular move on my part because not only would it make her stop her foolish ploy of trying to trick me into coming home but I could make sure to be hundreds of miles away from my house at 9, have all my possessions moved out, and start the process of changing my name . She sent this text, "Ok (: I'll go to the store and get some treats for our date tonight." This text creeped me out the most for a few reasons: 1. I said nothing about hanging out with her. 2. She referred to it as a date which proved she still thought there was something between us that never existed in the first place. In her mind doing all this was totally normal and would end in a happy marriage or something. 

"Yep, your grandma aggressively stalked me until I said yes"

I had to return to my house to make some pasta for Josh and Rachel on account of a bet I had lost earlier in the month. I was terrified and texted my roommate asking if he was home. He said he was at the library studying. I then asked if some girl had shown up asking about me. He said yes and that she had been waiting for me when he had left. This confirmed it, she had found my house and may or may not still be there. I drove home in my car taking the back roads. when I arrived I debated climbing in my back window and making a run for the kitchen knives to defend myself.

All my training would have finally have paid off.

  Instead I decided to be a man and walk through the front door I parked out on the street in case she was there so I could have a quick getaway. I opened the door and looked around no sign of anyone. I quickly did an ocular pat down of the entire house and it came back negative for the SG, my ploy had worked. I hurried and made the pasta and got out of the area as quickly as possible locking the door behind me. I can honestly say I know the feeling of being "hunted."

Story of my life

I got back up to Josh's house sweating profusely and looking over both shoulders. I then got a strange text from Josh saying "Hey what kind of chocolate do you want for tonight." This seemed a bit strange because 1. I was going to be miles away by then. 2. Josh knew what my favorite chocolate was already.

Ghirardelli for life!

I confusingly asked what was up with the text when I got back with a fresh pot full of steaming hot pasta. The gig was up it had been them all along. While we were studying earlier Josh and Rachel had urged me over an over again to go and try out some new toilet paper they had bough which I thought was strange but nothing too out of the ordinary for their household.

Typical day at the Cottrell's

 While I was in the bathroom they had stolen my phone and Josh changed his name which was "Coyote" in my phone to "Don't Answer" which was the SG's name in my phone. He had been texting me the entire time which was pretty amazing considering it was creepy enough to sound exactly like her. At the time my phone was an old Samsung slide phone that had the technological power of a small rodent brain, so it would periodically restart on it's own and reset itself to the last save point like in a video game when you get killed. I couldn't believe it, I had contemplated moving earlier that day because of the situation and it was all a prank. They had even texted my roomate and told him about it. It was a pretty amazing prank to say the least and it took some stress off finals week because failing is better than being stalked by someone who is crazy. Also check Rachel's blog for their side of the story coming soon. Have a good weekend and an even better finals week and may the curve ever be in your favor.